I was recently on a vacation with one of my best friends. Over the course of four days, she spoke to her mother at least half a dozen times.
They chatted about what we were up to, how much fun we were having and, in classic mom-fashion, her mom made sure to remind us to, “Drive safely!”
It was really sweet.
Then something dawned on me. She spoke to her mother six times in four days. That’s more than I’ve spoken to my own mother this entire year.
We share a lot of stories on Fargo Mom about being mothers. I’d like to share one that flips things around a little bit. I’d like to speak to you regarding my perspective as a child.
Because, although most of you reading this are mothers, or hope to be mothers, we are all still someone’s child. And if you are one whose relationship with your mother is minimal or complicated, toxic or completely non-existent, the motherhood journey can be especially tough.
When Mother’s Day is Hard
We are all sensitive to how hard Mother’s Day can be for women who have lost children, are unable to have children, or wanted kids but made a difficult choice not to have them.
But there’s another group of women who may have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. For some mothers, the joy of Mother’s Day is overshadowed by the relationship — or lack thereof — with their own mother.
For me, it’s not so much Mother’s Day that can be tough. I’m so lucky to have children who made me a mom and make Mother’s Day special. It’s the other days that are hard.
Becoming a Mom Without One There
When I was first embarking on motherhood, I wanted that person who checked in on me constantly; the one who had to know every detail about my pregnancy, how I was feeling, if I thought the baby was a boy or girl, and if there was anything I needed.
My mother wasn’t that person.
Then, after each of my babies were born, I needed that person who would give me confidence that I could go back to work and still be a great mom, who would tell me it wasn’t my fault if I couldn’t breastfeed or my babies wouldn’t sleep, and who relentlessly offered to come over at midnight, just to hold them so I could sleep through even one feeding.
My mother wasn’t that person either.
I Don’t Expect Her to Be There
Now looking ahead, I am no longer searching for that person to be there for me. It’s no longer about what I feel I didn’t get. It’s all about what I wish my kids didn’t have to miss out on.
I wanted them to have that person who calls weekly to ask for every detail about how they’re doing, who can’t wait until they come for the next weekend sleepover, or who would drop anything to watch them when they’re too sick to go to school.
My mother won’t be that person.
But, luckily, my children and I have found people who will be there.
And I’m thankful for those who stepped up.
I am lucky to have great mother figures in my life, some of them are moms, others simply wonderful women. And not just the ladies, there are some pretty wonderful guys, too who have been there for me. From the day I shared the news I was pregnant, during those difficult early weeks, all the way to now, they serve that important dual role every mother wants: someone who tells her she is doing a great job and who also shares their love with her children.
But it still stings that my mom didn’t fill those important roles. That she wasn’t there for those crucial moments in my life.
And, as I was reminded recently while on that vacation, it hurts that I don’t have a mom who continues to be my mom, even though I’m all grown up. The mom who still checks in with her daughter, is genuinely interested in what’s going on in her life, and offers advice, support, or even just a non-judgmental ear.
Because, even though we may be grown up and now moms ourselves, we’re always be our mother’s child.
So know that if you are missing a mother in your life, you’re not alone! I hope you can find a village or even a few special people to be there for you on your motherhood journey.
And if you are one of the lucky ladies with a mother who’s still there for you after all these years, please pass along love and support to another mom who needs it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all!
