There is this phenomenon that happens every fall — back to school. Where pictures and Pinterest-worthy first day of school chalkboards flood the internet.
They tend to have beautifully crafted sentences and documentations of what the child wants to be when they grow up, who their teacher is, and their favorite color.
Don’t get me wrong. I think that it’s a beautiful way to document certain things in a child’s life that will be fun to look back at. Be that as it may, I feel like this tradition can be a nonsensical trigger of not being good enough as a mom.
Parental Shame with Back to School Posts
As a parent, I have noticed there is an unwritten pressure to do all the things and to be all the things.
One of which, is sending my child off in this perfectly-documented way, with swoopy letters and an adorably white picture frame surrounding it.
It seems like our social media pages will fill obnoxiously with back to school pictures — and hey! I’ve waited forever for this, and have my very first kindergartener this fall.
You bet your bottom dollar my husband will post all the things about it. Despite this, my daughter will probably be in an outfit that is normal. It might be new, not because we need a new first day of school outfit, but because she grows like a weed and I can’t keep up.
Her hair might look good that day, it might not. Hard to tell.
She definitely won’t be holding one of those signs. Again, nothing against them — my nieces and nephews look adorable with theirs.
But not us.
Why?
I don’t want this special and monumental experience to be dictated by what everyone else is doing. I want it to be dictated by our family and our own wants and desires.
This is what we want: simple, easy, fully present.
Adding another thing to my already full plate sounds exhausting. I’m cool with the feeling of being left out or behind when it comes to this.
We don’t need these extra things to make our first day of school special. It will be special in our own way, that will honor us as a family. That will include our priorities and our lifestyle. We don’t need to fall into a trend just to make something special for us.
Fertility Shame
The other experience of shame I’ve felt with back to school is related to my infertility. For so many years I’d have to turn off or away from social media during the back to school time.
I wanted so badly to have a child going to preschool or school, that when I would look on social media, it was a silly reminder of my ever failing womb.
There really isn’t a way around this one, other than to encourage you that it’s ok to turn off social media during this time.
It’s ok to have the feeling of bitterness with all the back to school happenings around you.
Remember though, just because this year you aren’t making a post about the first day of school, doesn’t mean you never will. I fully believe that if the passion is in you, it is for you.
The No Shame Game
I’m not going to minimize the work it’s taken me to get here. It has taken me a large amount of therapy and coaching to get to a place of happiness and contentment. A place where I don’t need to follow what everyone else is doing to feel good enough. A place where my ability to get pregnant does not define me.
This back to school season is different for me.
Maybe it’s because I actually have a child entering school, or maybe it’s because I no longer place my identity in the things my body does, or how other people think of me.
Regardless of the reasoning, this back to school season, we are honoring who we are as a family. It doesn’t matter if we are trendy are not.
It doesn’t matter if there are swoopy framed letters in our first day of school picture. What matters is that we do what is important to us, and honor where we are at in life.
I encourage you to do the same. If you want to post the picture with the sweet frame telling us what she’ll be when she grows up, embrace and honor that. If you want to post a picture of your child just being on their first day of school, lean into that.
There is no right or wrong way to do things, or to post and send your child off to school. There is no shame in simple, and there is no shame in glamourous. You be you.
