Shortly after my daughter turned one, we started to hear questions and comments regarding our plans for giving Harper a brother or sister. Although they likely meant no harm, these comments were annoying and frustrating.
Of course it was none of their business, but most importantly, no one could understand how I was finally starting to feel like myself again.
After a painful pregnancy and struggling through the first six months postpartum, it was difficult to fathom ‘starting over.’
Thinking of Having Another Child
It still sounds silly typing ‘starting over’ as a loose term for the beautiful miracle of welcoming a child into the world. But that’s how I felt at the time.
Deep down, I knew that one day I’d want another child. And while I knew I’d never be fully ready for another, I figured I’d likely feel differently than I did then (God willing).
So we waited.
And as the comments kept coming, I tried my best to explain our reasoning for not expanding our family. But after receiving too many comments of, “You’ll figure it out,” or, “You just wait until she’s two, it won’t get any easier,” I stopped justifying the private decisions we were making regarding our family.
That wasn’t always easy, or natural for me as a ‘sharer,’ but it was worth it for my own well-being.
Life went on in the most beautiful way as we witnessed our daughter learn and grow. Motherhood seemed more natural. And when things were challenging, I felt equipped — after doing some tough work in therapy — with the tools to navigate the ups and downs.
Did I question whether or not my reasoning behind waiting to try for another child made sense? Of course. But I trusted my intuition and spoke openly with my husband about how I was feeling.
Ready to Start Trying
When my daughter turned two and a half, the urge to have another baby was more apparent for me and my husband.
While I still had trepidations regarding the future with two children, it didn’t outweigh the openness we had in our hearts for another child.
So we started trying.
And unfortunately it wasn’t as easy as it had been with our firstborn, who we were lucky to conceive without complication.
The months continue to go by. And while we are so grateful for the current blessings in our life, thoughts of cycle tracking, ovulation test sticks, and delayed periods weigh heavy on my mind some days.
It’s easy to be consumed by it all. To feel frustrated, overwhelmed and worried. To associate sex with pregnancy and pregnancy only.
And for me the worst feeling, and the hardest to combat, is the guilt.
Feelings of Guilt
While I do truly believe, and trust, that God has a plan for my family, I can’t help but feel guilty for our decision to wait.
‘Why did I feel so strongly to wait when our first daughter was such a blessing?’
‘Was I right to prioritize my mental health over giving a sibling to our daughter?’
‘I could have handled more.’
‘Did I try too hard to over control my situation?’
And then there’s guilt for even having these feelings knowing some women struggle with infertility for much longer periods of time, or will never be able to bear their own child.
‘It’s only been a few months, don’t get yourself so worked up.’
‘You’re lucky to have one beautiful child, you shouldn’t complain.’
I know that my feelings are real and it’s okay to have them. And also that these feelings of guilt are not valid.
But knowing that, doesn’t mean they go away. It’s not an on and off switch.
And I’m learning to accept that’s okay.
Like with any situation in life, some days are harder than others. And in those days, we find skills to cope, people to lean on, and ways to express our feelings.
So for now, I’ll control what I can, pray for what I can’t, and most importantly, enjoy the little blessings in each day.
If you’re struggling to expand your family or dealing with infertility, know you’re not alone. I hope you allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and find healthy ways to cope.
