I’ve always been a busy-body.
I like to go, go, go. But I also like to relax, after the go.
I would say my baseline anxiety, throughout my life, had run around a three to four out of 10.
I certainly was more anxious than some people. And I had been working on embracing my old friend, anxiety, since she’d always been there. She helped me get shit done. I was the kid that set out capfuls of water for ants, because how do they get water? So I was good at finding things to think about.
But something was different this time. My baseline anxiety started to run at a six to seven out of 10.
I started having migraines, which I had never experienced before. While out with a friend for dinner, she noticed that I could not stop shaking the whole table by bouncing my knee. I was having heart palpitations, drinking one to two glasses of wine every single night, and had a tough time prioritizing eating. Then when I did eat, I had acid reflux that caused me stomach aches.
I started counseling as soon as I noticed the onset of these symptoms, and made some gains right away.
But the thoughts. Just the dumping of thoughts, like a thought-downpour. It was like being attacked by thoughts. They’d come in so fast I could barely keep up.
So Many Thoughts
And it wasn’t just worry, it was everything. I started using my phone in the car because if I didn’t, the thoughts would attack me. Again, not necessarily bad thoughts, just an overwhelming amount of thoughts.
At first I tried meditation (not medication), to try to slow down the thoughts and see each one. And honestly it worked great while I did it. But the minute I stopped meditating, it was as though a tidal wave of thoughts crashed down on me like, “She’s missed 10 minutes of thought-attack! Get her!”
Trying to Find a Solution
I wasn’t the only friend of my age at her wits end about mental health. Two of my friends of my exact age had reached out to their physician for help, so I decided to do the same.
I cried as I mentioned this to my physician — I felt so weak, I felt like a failure.
Regarding medication she said, “You are going to counseling, you get at least 30 minutes of physical activity outside every day, you prioritize sleep, you meditate, you connect with friends, you eat healthy foods. The fact that you’re here, crying in my office, means that it’s time to try.”
So I decided to try anxiety medication.
The first thing I noticed was the thought assault slowed. I no longer felt under attack in my own mind. Oh, I still noticed sad animals without water. But not while also thinking about the laundry and the trip I was going to take and what I was going to make for dinner and that one volleyball game when I was 18 and the pair of shorts I really like that were at the seamstress and…all the things.
The heart palpitations went away almost immediately.
In three to four months, the acid reflux was gone.
I no longer drank every evening. I was able to eat regularly throughout the day and didn’t need to take in my calories through alcohol at the end of the day.
And I was able to get to much deeper layers in counseling as well, as we were no longer working on surface anxiety.
Making Progress
One of the biggest things I noticed was music. Before the medication, I would try to exercise outside, getting my heart pumping so fast that I could finally stop the racing thoughts.
One day, I left work for my lunch break and took a run in my work clothes, just to take some deep breaths.
Exercise rarely worked. I’d try to blast music in my airpods so I could only think about the song. Often, I’d find one of my favorite songs coming to an end and I hadn’t heard any of it — I was under thought-attack. But after taking the medication, I started to notice the songs more. I could listen to most of a song, without the thoughts drowning out the music.
For me, trying anxiety medication made me realize I didn’t have to live like that. I didn’t have to be under attack in my own head.
I never noticed how bad I felt, until I didn’t feel like that anymore.
My anxiety, without medication, makes me feel like a dog with their hair standing up on their back.
All the time.
My dog’s hair stands up on her back whenever she encounters something unfamiliar. She’s not much of a barker, so this is her unconscious reaction. Plastic bags, unfamiliar dogs and cats, strangers walking into our yard, our own cat surprising her, a knock on the door. Her hair isn’t constantly standing up, it goes up and down. And she’s not necessarily mad when the hair stands up, it just happens. Her physical body is alarmed.
With medication, the “hair on my back” also goes up and down. I am not under constant thought-attack in my own head, and I do not feel high alert all day long.
I know everyone’s situation is different. But if you find your anxiety is becoming unmanageable like I did, just know you aren’t a failure if you decide to try anxiety medication.
And for more information on coping with anxiety, read 5 Ways to Calm Anxiety at Bedtime.
