It was Thursday morning at Bible study with a group of women I hold dear that got me thinking about the postpartum experience.
That morning, we were going around the table sharing something in particular we were thankful for lately. We were taking turns, and next up was my best friend since seventh grade. She confidently stated how pleasantly surprised she was that her recent postpartum season with her daughter was so different than her first, focusing on the positive mental and emotional aspects.
I had observed the differences firsthand. But hearing the words come out of her mouth that morning, 20-some weeks pregnant myself, just hit me differently.
Let me explain.
Postpartum: Preparing for Baby #2
My husband and I are currently expecting our second child. As we inch closer to our due date, I’m feeling a multitude of emotions.
I’m so excited to meet our son, to hold him in our arms, and to witness his little personality develop.
There’s nervousness regarding his birth, not knowing what will happen, but also trust for our care team and the fact that the big man upstairs is always watching over us.
There’s plenty of emotions related to our daughter, who will be around 3 ½ when her little brother arrives. Some sadness that our time as a family of three is winding down, and spending time with her exclusively won’t be as easy.
On the other hand, I’m thrilled to see her become a big sister, knowing how excited she is, but also cautious about how this big change will impact her and the many emotions she’s already trying to navigate as a three-year-old.
The same goes for my relationship with my husband. I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am to watch him become a ‘boy dad,’ but I also know our time will be again cut short and communication and routine will be challenged.
But most of all, the strongest emotions are related to myself; to how I’ll manage navigating the tricky fourth trimester while caring for myself and my soon-to-be family of four.
Postpartum with Our First Born
While I don’t believe I was naive enough to think having a baby was going to be easy, the first few months after my daughter was born were much harder than I ever anticipated (and probably some of the most challenging to date).
Even with a supportive husband who continued to surprise me in the best way possible in his new role of dad, I struggled to really enjoy the first few months of my daughter’s life.
I’ll spare many of the details, but in this season of life, I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel like I had control over my emotions, struggling with what I now know as anxiety and as a type A perfectionist. And I didn’t speak very kindly to myself as I ‘failed’ at navigating this new role.
On top of it all, there was shame and guilt. Frustrated with myself that this experience wasn’t ‘easier’ and guilt for feeling this way, knowing I was blessed with a newborn baby at home.
Fortunately, these feelings didn’t last forever and served an important purpose in my life journey, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried for the fourth trimester (and beyond) of this pregnancy.
Thinking of navigating that postpartum period, especially now with a toddler at home, seems intimidating. So, I’ve decided to focus on how this time around will be different.
Just like my friend’s journey.
Perspective, Gut, & Intuition
The number one case for convincing myself that this season of life will be different from our firstborn, is perspective. Like the old saying goes ‘this ain’t our first rodeo’ and all jokes aside, that’s really powerful.
Knowing we’ve kept our daughter alive, loved, and healthy for three years as her parents is important to acknowledge.
Yes, there will be new adventures with our son and different challenges, but my husband and I make a good team, and will navigate them as they come. Also, we have knowledge and experience as well.
We’ll understand that the sleepless nights won’t last forever. I’ll have more confidence that my body is providing what my baby needs for nourishment and if things change, we’ll know what our options are.
I won’t spend too much time comparing him to other babies on Instagram, stressing over milestones, or wondering why he’s not accomplishing x, y, and z.
Therapy & Self-Compassion
One of the best things that came from my daughter’s birth (aside of course from the beautiful gift of our daughter) was what I like to call my therapy journey.
Two weeks postpartum, I knew something wasn’t ‘right,’ and decided it was time to speak to a professional. Fortunately, I found the right fit in my therapist and have been working with her for three years now.
I’ve learned so much. From understanding my thoughts and communication patterns, to the different triggers that bring additional emotions and stress into my world, I’ve really learned how my mind can work against me. With this, has brought healthy coping strategies and knowledge I never knew I needed.
I’ve also been able to implement the practice of self-compassion, speaking to myself like a dear friend. Before seeking counseling, this wasn’t common, it was way too easy to be hard on myself.
While these concepts take constant practice, monthly sessions have become an important part of my life. It allows me time to slow down, check in, and be a little kinder to myself. I know how important this will be in postpartum take two and will make sure it doesn’t fall to the wayside.
Anxiety Management
In combination with therapy, I also came to terms with the fact that I have anxiety. I learned that it’s okay to do something about it rather than just ignoring it or chalking it up to who I was as a person.
For me, a little pill in the morning and a little pill before bed make me the best possible version of myself, because I’m able to think like myself, without the anxiety clouding my mind. With the help of my doctor and therapist, I was able to find a medication that not only worked for me, but would continue to be safe for my baby during pregnancy and postpartum.
Faith
I’ve also been fortunate to grow in my faith since becoming a mom. God has placed some wonderful people and situations (both good and bad) that have allowed me to trust when I have very little control over things in life.
But what I do have control of is my attitude. And of course many choices that I get to make throughout this life. And when it comes to control and parenting, I think many parents would agree that while there is much we can control in terms of our child’s development, there is also so much out of control.
In every moment, I hope I can do my best, and then give God the rest.
Not Easy, But Different
As we inch closer to welcoming this new baby, I continue to tell myself ‘not easy, but different.’ I know this season will bring many challenges. It can and will be different than the first time. Because we’re different, have additional resources, and a wide variety of perspectives to aid us in our journey.
If you’re in the same shoes as me, welcoming a new adventure — challenge yourself to find the reasons why it can be different, for the better.
