Recently, two people in my inner circle went through extremely difficult situations.
Learning of these events tore me up inside. My heart hurt so badly for these people I love dearly. I was angry, sad, and frustrated.
I couldn’t help but question if there was anything I could have done to prevent those situations. There was so much I hadn’t known and I agonized over what I could have done differently. I cried so hard my eyes got puffy, had the worst headache imaginable, and just felt like, for lack of better words — like crap.
After a few days, I calmed down. I could speak of those situations without my eyes welling up, but my loved ones were constantly on my mind. And in my morning prayers.
Thinking about my emotional reaction, it didn’t seem out of the ordinary for me. As an empathetic person, this was normal. They were hurting far more than I could ever imagine, so I was hurting.
However, when I brought these situations up to my therapist, she had a different perspective.
I started seeing my therapist after my daughter was born, and continue to see them once or twice a month.
It’s not always fun to re-hash things, but it’s worth it to me.
With her help, I get to reflect on past situations, how I reacted and how I can improve. I’ve learned how past traumas affect how I operate in my closest relationships and feel more aware of how I handle almost every situation in life. This allows me to be a better wife, mom, friend, sister, daughter, and employee.
Another Perspective From My Therapist
After questioning how I felt and reacted as my loved ones were hurting, she asked, “Where do you draw the line of being ‘supportive’, while putting the health and well-being of you and your immediate family first?”
I was taken aback and pretty defensive, until she explained a little further. These are my people who I would do anything for. My mental health didn’t matter at the moment because they were hurting.
But what I didn’t understand before speaking with her was that my spiraling was helping no one. My big reactions (crying, ruminating, etc.) to my feelings weren’t helping my loved ones or myself. Nor were they going to fix the situation.
And the point I was really missing was they were distracting me from being present with my husband and my daughter, who rely on me more than anyone else.
Major light bulb moment! I can be a supportive friend and family member to my loved ones going through challenging times, without sacrificing my mental well-being.
Now you’re probably asking, how? And truth is, I’m still working on that and I probably will have to work on it for the rest of my life, but here’s what I’m trying:
How to Help Loved Ones While Protecting Your Mental Health
1. Be Mindful of the Time You Give to Feel and Express Your Emotions.
I think it’s 100% normal to cry and feel angry when times are tough for yourself and those closest to you. But for me personally, I can’t let those feelings consume my mind for too long as they weigh me down physically and emotionally. Giving myself a set amount of time to feel all the feels and then move forward is how I can help myself process tough situations and be continuously present for my loved ones.
2. Lean into Your Spirituality, if applicable.
It can be so easy to leave our faith and spirituality out of the equation when you are hurting or worried. Yet the peace and tranquility that comes with connecting with a higher power is unmatched. Whether you want to vocalize your thoughts and concerns, sit in silence, pray the rosary or read the Bible, share your concerns and find that comfort.
3. Count Your Blessings
Practicing gratitude in challenging times is difficult, but so important. Write out what you are thankful for and focus on the good.
4. Check-In With Your Loved Ones
Your loved ones might not know what they need or how you can help in tough situations, but knowing you are there for them is powerful. This one is challenging for me as a “doer.” An action probably would make me feel better, but it’s not always needed or possible.
Instead, I make sure my friends and family know how much I love and appreciate them. And make it clear that I’m available when they need me or are ready to talk.
5. Practice Self-Care
We hear over and over again that you can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s so true, you just can’t. Take a bath, exercise or go to Target. Do whatever you need to do to feel like you again, and don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself.
6. Talk to a Professional
Sometimes we just can’t manage our mental health with our current set of coping skills and that’s ok. A professional can help in whatever way you need it.
We’re all going to go through tough situations in life. We’re also going to watch family and friends go through difficult times and hurt just as hard. While it sucks, that’s life and we have to do our best to find the good in whatever comes our way.
Be there for your friends and family in the best of times and the worst, but don’t forget to protect your mental health along the way.
