I am frequently asked when baby number two will be arriving.
And while it’s considered a taboo question, I know most people mean well in their curiosity. They see how much love we have for our daughter, the perfect family photos on social media, and know how much family means to me.
But there’s a lot they don’t see. And a simple question about the possibility of growing a family really isn’t really as simple as it seems.
Expanding Our Family
Expectations
The day we left the hospital with our firstborn, the receptionist said, “See you next year!” with a grin and a chuckle.
I politely laughed it off while questioning why this is the expectation. But on the inside I was so angry. She didn’t know how traumatic labor was to me at the time and how my body felt. That I was questioning how women willingly decide to put themselves through that experience time and time again.
Fortunately, those thoughts faded fairly quickly as my body healed and my hormones leveled out.
I would say my heart is now open to another child, but there’s still a lot of doubt in my mind when it comes to expanding our family. Here are some reasons why.
Postpartum PTSD
In addition to our experience in the hospital, the first few months as a new mom weren’t what I envisioned. And simply put, they were extremely difficult for my mental and emotional health.
While I loved my baby more than I could ever explain, there was a lot of time that I didn’t enjoy being a mom. Even typing that sentence brings back a lot of feelings of shame and guilt. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have birthed a healthy baby when so many long for that experience, but there is no denying those were my feelings at the time.
Those first few months were precious, but hard. I selfishly longed for the flexibility of my own time to do the things I enjoyed. To sleep longer than two hours at a time, and not have to share my body — especially my breasts — with anyone.
I felt like I lost myself for a while. And it was difficult to see how and when I would feel better in that tired, lonely, and far from confident state of mind.
And while it did get better (so much better), it took some serious work, time, and support from loved ones.
Overwhelmed with One
Now as I feel more confident in my abilities as a mother of one, I look at women with a car full of kids and wonder how they do it. And how will I ever do that?
Fortunately, my husband and I make a great team in parenting. But even as we’re currently outnumbering the parent-to-child ratio, handling one child is serious work and it requires a good amount of patience.
With our child’s 18-month tantrums freshly in mind, it’s hard to imagine caring for two children while balancing all of life’s commitments and responsibilities.
Further advancing that insecurity, it’s easy to question if I’m doing enough for my daughter. Yes, I know she is loved, fed, and lives in a safe environment, which is more than enough — but who doesn’t want more for their children?
I question everything. Is she eating enough nutritious foods? Is she learning and developing on track? Are we giving her enough attention? The list goes on, and the thought of splitting my attention between two kids is hard to imagine in our current stage of life.
Financially Ready
It’s no secret, birthing and raising a child comes with a cost. Although it’s one that’s worth every penny.
Between a mortgage, student and car loans, daycare, food, clothing, insurance, emergencies, fun, and everything else in between — sometimes it’s easy to question if we’ll have the resources to cover it all. In my head and on my spreadsheets, I know we could make it work, but the weight of these costs can be overwhelming.
Daycare
It’s also no secret that we’re facing a daycare shortage. As I currently spend my lunch break calling and emailing daycares for a spot with a preschool for my current child, I can’t help but wonder if there will be a spot for the newest member of our family when the time comes. Especially after hearing the center nearest our home had a waitlist of over 700 families. Yes, 700 families.
As a woman who enjoys her job, the ability to work and make a living for my family, this can be challenging to think through.
Perspective
While it might seem that my thoughts towards expanding our family are all negative, that’s not the case. I truly look forward to this next step for our family, assuming that’s what God has in store for us.
Even though I am genuinely excited for that next step, the reservations still float through my mind.
Why? One word — doubt.
Even in my best, most confident state of mind, I am going to doubt myself and my abilities as a mother.
And what I’m trying to come to terms with is – that’s okay. No one, even the patient, put-together mom with the full car of kids, is perfect. Nor should we try to be.
So as I accept the feelings of inadequacy and worry, I acknowledge there’s some reassurance in me too.
I know that if we’re blessed with baby number two, my husband and I will tackle all my worries together.
Yes, there will be long days and times where it may be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we have those moments now and would I change a thing?
Absolutely not.
We learn and adjust to our new circumstances, put things into perspective, and remember how incredibly lucky we are to raise the sweet, spunky miniature version of ourselves who exudes pure joy and keeps a cheesy smile on our faces.
When the time comes to expand our family, my daughter will feel loved, she will love her sibling, and our hearts will grow beyond measure.
Just as they did before.
