When was the last time you asked your child, “How was your day?”
Assuming your children are like mine, the response was a simple shoulder shrug. Or if you were lucky enough, you heard an, “I don’t know” or, “Fine.” And that was the end of that exchange.
How can we encourage further discussion and actual conversation?
Questions for Kids
If we rethink what we are asking and how we are asking, we can change the direction of the conversation.
By choosing different questions, we can spark engagement and teach more thoughtful reflection.
Once, I attended a conference that completely changed my view on how I check in with my children. The speaker challenged us to focus on instilling joy and gratitude as we reflect on each day.
When we start to feel grateful, we spark intention and hope within ourselves. This was a powerful lesson I wanted to bring home and teach our family.
I was on a mission to create gratitude and encourage reflection with my children to help them maintain a positive outlook, full of hope.
As any parent might be, the concern for suicide in our youth is alarming and the national statistics only worsen the concern.
I’ve often thought to myself, How I can provide the right tools for my children to navigate the daily ups and downs of life, so they don’t experience hopelessness when they begin navigating their teenage years?
My goal is to help them understand their emotions and ignite a certainty of hope in the days ahead.
So why not ask, “How was your day?”
It’s easy for us to ask this question. Most often, we probably ask our spouse this same question and have similar one-word responses.
For a child, this question is hard to comprehend and measure. The openness of the question is far too wide.
Additionally, this question isn’t thought-provoking. It’s not specific enough to trigger a memory or produce a specific thought.
Generally, when asked, many may think about how they are feeling in that second versus thinking about their day as a whole. Also, this question naturally lends itself to brief answers which won’t create further discussion.
Timing is key.
The timing of checking in with your children is also important to focus on. Instead of asking them the moment they open the car door or step foot into the house, wait. Wait until they have had time to process the day and decompress.
Just like adults, sometimes children need a few moments of quiet to collect their thoughts and release the weight of a day filled with social interaction.
Then, utilize dinner time or time during the bedtime routine to pause and create discussion and reflection.
Use specific questions to help develop conversation & connection.
Try questions and statements such as:
- Tell me your favorite part of your day.
- What was the hardest thing you did at school today?
- Did you laugh today? Tell me what made you laugh.
- What was the most interesting thing you learned today?
- Tell me something that made you excited today.
- What part of school did you enjoy the most?
- Who did you play with (or talk to) today?
- What’s one thing you are looking forward to tomorrow?
You can find different ways to ask or phrase a question until they engage.
Some days it may take me four different questions before the lightbulb turns on and they think of something to say.
In our house, we don’t stop when the answer is, “Nothing.” We keep pursuing the conversation, even if it takes a few different attempts in various settings.
Once you find a question that encourages your child to share, remember that for the next day.
Repetition will create consistency and eventually your children will expect the question and be prepared to answer. Especially if they know you won’t take a shoulder shrug for an answer.
Then, natural conversation will continue to flow back and forth as you show a genuine interest in their day.
This works for us. Our children now engage in conversation far more now when we discuss and reflect on their day.
Keep the conversation going.
When children finally engage, these conversations can help teach them to reflect, a skill they can take with them wherever they are. And reflection can lead to recognizing there are always some good moments within their day.
Even if they feel they had a bad day overall, a few good moments can be recalled. When this comes up in our discussions, we can acknowledge those moments and discuss how tomorrow can be a better day.
Furthermore, don’t hesitate to discuss emotions. When discussing certain situations within their day, you can follow up with something such as:
- How did that make you feel?
- Tell me more about that.
- What did you think about that?
So next time, instead of asking, “How was your day?” try implementing some new ways of sparking conversation with your children.
Each family is different, and you may find even more different ways to connect, just don’t give up. Healthy discussion is right around the corner.
