I knew that perimenopause came with many physical and hormonal changes.
What I didn’t expect was how it would also affect how I see myself and how difficult it would be to come to terms with my new physical reality.
My Perimenopause Experience
I had always been comfortable and confident in my body. Genetics blessed me with a metabolism that fooled me into thinking I’d maintain my petite figure forever.
However, I quickly discovered that perimenopause, much like puberty, can wreak havoc on your sense of self.
It started slowly and subtly.
Perimenopause Symptoms
I naturally run very hot. The first time I had a hot flash, I honestly thought I was just feeling overheated from a warm spring day.
Then it continued to happen, and at odd times. I’d wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet. That was when I realized it was not just a case of being overheated.
Experiencing a hot flash is akin to being in a sauna and someone has just poured more water on the coals and began to fan the steam right into your face. Then multiply that heat by a million. Time stands still as your body overheats, you begin to sweat from everywhere, and nothing brings relief.
I have always been active. At 39, I was eating healthier and feeling physically awesome. My body, however, started to look wider. Thicker in the waistline. Bulgier in the abdomen.
I asked some coaches and consulted way too many Google search results and was assured I was fine. It was suggested I could cut out some carbs, but overall nothing to worry about.
But I DID worry. My ego was taking a hit to the gut.
Literally.
I started to obsess about the size of my belly. Questioning if I was no longer fit.
This also started me down the road of body dysmorphia (an unhealthy fixation on what my stomach looks like, what it used to look like, and what I thought it should look like).
By 41, I was experiencing hot flashes more regularly, sleep was becoming hard to fall into, my midsection was growing, and my periods were assaulting me with a new kind of viciousness.
At this point I was fairly certain I was in perimenopause and thought that this was just how life would be. It would take me a few more miserable months before I brought it up to my doctor.
Getting Answers
I was told, “You’re kind of young for perimenopause. But let’s get you checked out to make sure everything is okay.”
The OBGYN I saw was amazing. We ran through a brief Q&A which quickly affirmed that I was in perimenopause. It was a yay(!) but also a yay(?) moment for me.
I felt relief at being told, “Yes this weird thing you’re experiencing is actually a thing and we can do something about it.”
The OBGYN was surprised I had spent so many years in pain and hadn’t come in earlier. I have always had intense periods and cramps, so I didn’t think much of the pain. Even when it intensified to the point where I would be nauseous for days, I assumed it came with the territory of being in perimenopause.
It turns out that a uterine polyp was mostly responsible for my horrible cramps and would require surgery.
I Blamed the Polyp
I admit that a large part of me was hoping that this was the answer to all of my perimenopause issues. That it was the polyp’s fault I was extra bloated and not looking like myself. I really thought this was going to solve a lot of issues.
After I healed up, I felt much better and thought I looked better too. I was less bloated and thought things were looking up. But body dysmorphia doesn’t just go away.
I was back to scrutinizing myself in the mirror, in my workout clothes, and how I looked in photos and videos of me weightlifting. Back to tracking calories and macros, even though I knew intuitively I eat pretty on point.
I even did a damp January (very little to no alcohol) that continued for three months, and to little effect.
I drove my husband a little crazy by asking him if he thought I look different (how many ways can a spouse reply with, “You look fine, you look great,” before you believe them?).
But most of all I drove myself crazy.
And no, having this surgery did not solve my bloating as much as I had hoped.
No one tells you what to expect with perimenopause.
They don’t prep you for reverse puberty. There are resources for women, but only if you really dig for them. I had to scour the internet and Instagram and even TikTok for information.
Nutritionists, OBGYNs, and perimenopausal specialists assured me through their posts that everything I am experiencing is normal. It isn’t because I’m not eating enough protein, or too many calories, or not enough calories. It isn’t because I’m not at the gym enough, doing too little cardio, or not enough weightlifting.
My body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing.
Our bodies are meant to change. It’s a basic fact of biology that we will lose elasticity and shape and become a little chubbier as our muscle mass decreases.
Helpful Resources
The biggest resource I’ve found to be helpful is the Menopause Nutritionist on Instagram. Her account discusses perimenopause and menopause, myths about nutrition regarding both, being honest about body changes and hormones during this transition, and offering both support and facts.
Another great resource is Dr. Mary Claire Haver, author of The New Menopause. I discovered her on TikTok of all places. Her videos are helpful in breaking down hormone replacement therapy and normalizing the reality of being perimenopausal/menopausal.
In fact, everything we ascribe to menopause is actually what occurs during perimenopause.
Menopause occurs when you cease to have your period for over 12 months. All of the hormonal upsets and shifts and bodily changes and adjustments happen for approximately 10-20 years before you experience menopause.
The most common symptoms are: brain fog, inability to fall asleep/stay asleep, hot flashes, anxiety, mood swings, irritability, period changes, acne, and forgetfulness.
Adjusting
Recently I turned 42, and learning to appreciate this perimenopausal body is an exercise in body acceptance and self-love. It’s in understanding that I don’t need to fight with biology, I need to learn to get along with it and move forward.
Realizing that the body I have now is stronger and fitter and more capable than the one I had in my 30s. Even if it doesn’t look like it. And that’s amazing.
