“You look great! Have you lost weight?”
“Oh look at how tall you’ve gotten! You’re almost taller than me now!”
“You’re so cute and little. I wish I were as tiny as you.”
We’ve all heard the comments — and made the comments — on other people’s bodies. Often with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean that these comments are appropriate or welcomed.
After a recent weight loss, celebrity Jonah Hill posted on Instagram stating “I know you mean well but I kindly ask that you not comment on my body. Good or bad, I want to politely let you know it’s not helpful and doesn’t feel good. Much respect.”
Stop Commenting on Bodies
Moms, we gotta stop.
We gotta stop commenting on bodies.
When you haven’t seen your niece or friend’s child for an extended period of time, what’s the first thing we comment on?
How much they’ve grown. How different their body is. I do it STILL.
I have to fight the urge to stop saying it to kids. Because what are we telling kids in that comment? I see your body, I notice your body, and I have thoughts about the size of your body.
But, I’m saying it as a compliment!
Still stop.
Commenting on kids’ bodies wraps their identity tightly in their body size. What if they aren’t always “cute and little?” Or so skinny. Or have such big muscles. Now they are a 16-year-old with a different body, and they can look in a mirror and see that their shape does not equal all the compliments they’ve gotten for years.
It’s so easy to say the wrong thing.
I once said to a friend,“Wow! You look the best you’ve ever looked in your life! How do you get to be so lucky to be 44 years old and have your BEST body? Wow, you look amazing!”
This friend was going through a life-changing divorce. She was so sad and exhausted that she had no appetite. And I just told her that’s what she has to feel like to have her best body?!
I only meant it as a compliment. But, what did that say to the other friends who heard me giving her that compliment? That they also could only have the best body of their life if they were so miserable that they had no appetite?
Embarrassing. I need to do better.
My Own Experience
I had a baby that was born with a facial deformity. I was so worried about what people would say. At the time, I had some friends I really trusted to love my baby.
Looking back, it was the friends that don’t comment on bodies. The friends who somehow knew that commenting on bodies is a bad idea. The friends who magically can be around my super-tall kids and not comment on it.
I felt safe around them, that my baby was loved.
Also, I am a very tall woman. I’ve heard the occasional mean comment: laughs, whispers, etc. But mostly, it’s been compliments. From the time I was a kid, “Wow, you’re so tall and thin. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your height. You’re beautiful. I’d love to be tall. I’d love to have long legs. You look like a model.”
And what did it teach me? People look at bodies. People are only as good as their bodies. Society judges people on their bodies.
And we need to stop.
I work with children with disabilities. We educators tell them that the other kids don’t care about their wheelchair or their physical disability. But they hear us.
They hear us commenting on someone’s height, or complaining about our weight, or complimenting someone’s weight loss. We can tell them until we’re blue in the face that it’s what on the inside that matters. But if we’re still commenting on bodies, we are contradicting ourselves.
And I realize we can’t stop all the comments. And we don’t need to shame people, or ourselves, for saying things that are embedded in our culture.
But how can we change? How can we undo some of the programming that connects our kids’ self-esteem to their bodies?
Let’s try a new approach.
Ways to Change the Narrative
1. Praise body diversity.
I know we all love to hate on our kids’ TikTok. But remember that the celebrities of our day were thin as a rail supermodels. Our kids are seeing all kinds of bodies today. Have you seen Athleta’s models? Praise the body diversity you see in the media. Limit the purchases from brands that only sell one size to one type of body.
2. All bodies are different.
If a child, or your own child, comments on your own body or someone else’s body, say “all bodies are different.” Perhaps you want to discuss some ways that bodies are different with them. Working at schools, I have many teachable moments around this comment when kids comment on my height. Sometimes I’ll ask them to notice how my body is different than theirs. I’ll ask them if they know anyone whose body is exactly the same as theirs, etc.
3. Talk to people in different bodies.
Do your kids see different bodies? Do all the bodies look mostly the same at their school? Say hi to someone in a wheelchair or with a disability. Connect with people who they might not be connected with as often.
4. Mind your own body.
A take on “mind your own business.”
I was told by a cultural and diversity expert that the best way to teach someone that commenting on bodies is not okay is to leave them with the uncomfortable silence.
When an adult comments on my height, or my children’s height, the best thing to do is not respond. No snarky comment like, “How short are you?” No, “It’s okay, I appreciate the compliment,” as they apologize.
If someone comments on your body, good or bad, realize they haven’t “minded their own body” and leave them with the uncomfortable silence. If someone left me with uncomfortable silence, which I’ve certainly deserved at times, I’d remember how awkward I felt and would be less likely to comment on a body next time.
5. Comment on something that is not body-related.
I have a hard time with silence and like to fill greetings with chit-chat. And I personally don’t think we have to stop complimenting people. I love giving honest compliments.
Just stop commenting on bodies.
Compliment their outfit, their new haircut, or the name of their dog if you love it. Compliment their gift-giving abilities. Or comment on a kid’s artwork, their energy, their kid’s manners, or their lego structure.
You can pause. Give yourself a moment to think of something else to say and give yourself some grace. Changes aren’t made in an instant.
Loved this article, Erika! I’m 78, so this story goes back to the 1970s. My husband told me about the time when he commented on a woman’s body whom he had just met, and it did not go well, to say the least. This was, of course, before he met me. He thought it would be flattering, and innocuous, to tell her that she had an “impressive hourglass figure”. She immediately took offense and told him that he hardly knew her and had no business commenting on her body at such an early stage. Before storming off, she gave him a “crisp slap” on the cheek, as he described it, apparently to drive the point home.
He felt that she totally overreacted, and should have taken his remark as a compliment, but I’m not so sure about that. Back in those days, he was a bit too cocky and self-assured around women. There is a part of me that would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when she slapped his face 😀 I hope that doesn’t make me a horrible wife. hahaha!