I’ve never thought of myself as a hero. But as they say, not all heroes wear capes.
When my daughter was in kindergarten, her class was talking about their heroes. The teacher told me that children were saying police officers, soldiers, and firefighters. My little girl said, “My mom.” When asked why, she simply replied, “She keeps kids safe.”
My work is to keep children safe year-round, but with April bring Child Abuse Prevention Month, it’s time to honor survivors of child abuse, bring awareness to the issue of child abuse and neglect, and celebrate all of the organizations working hard to prevent it.
Over the last three years, my role has centered around child sexual abuse prevention. I’ve led the North Dakota Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Task Force and carried our mission of preventing child sexual abuse before it happens. The dark truth is that 1 in 10 North Dakota children will be a victim of child sexual abuse by their 18th birthday.
Yes, you read that right, 1 in every 10.
In honor of Child Abuse Prevention Month, I want to share some ways that everyone can work to prevent child sexual abuse.
Ways to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse
Let’s talk about everyday things that we can do to keep children safe.
Know the Facts
If we don’t understand child sexual abuse, we can’t end it. Understanding the facts about child sexual abuse can help us better protect the children in our lives.
- One in every 10 children in North Dakota will be a victim of child sexual abuse by their 18th birthday (Children’s Advocacy Centers of North Dakota, 2023).
- Some research estimates as many as 33% of victims never tell anyone they were abused.
- Many of us grew up worried about strangers, but research shows that the greatest risk to children doesn’t come from strangers. In fact, 90% of children are sexually abused by someone they know.
- Children being sexually abused by older or more powerful children is a staggering 70% of abuse cases (based on a recent report by Finkelhor and Gewirtz-Meydan).
Child sexual abuse most often occurs in one-on-one situations. More than 80% of cases happen when a child is alone with an abuser. If we eliminate or reduce one-on-one situations, we’re actually going to reduce the risk of sexual abuse. Make sure interactions with children can be observed and easily interrupted.
Grooming & Red Flag Behaviors
Grooming can be difficult to recognize because it can sometimes look like normal, caring behavior from an adult. But, it’s helpful to look for patterns of certain behaviors and to intervene early – even if you think what you’re seeing may be trivial.
Here are some potential red-flag behaviors:
- A person who seeks to have 1:1 time with your child or special outings. Gives them lots of attention.
- A person who is overly interested in your child and gives the child extra attention or special treatment.
- A person who buys gifts or special treats for your child for no apparent reason.
- A person who is very touchy with your child, and it may occur in front of trusted adults.
- A person who finds out what your child likes and is interested in and then flatters the child by claiming to have the same interests.
Monitor Technology
Stay curious! Offenders use the internet to lure children into physical contact. It’s important to recognize that grooming can happen both in-person and online. Spend time with youth online. Be affirming about responsible digital use. Share online activities they enjoy.
Know Who Children are Spending Time With
Be sure to talk with a child after he/she spends time with others and ask questions about what they did and how they spent their time together.
Be Proactive
If a child seems uncomfortable or resistant to being with or near a particular person, ask why. Don’t force the child to be with that individual. Or, if a situation occurs in your life—where a person who interacts with your child regularly makes you uncomfortable, trust your intuition.
Build a Network of Trusted Adults
These are people you intentionally choose as part of your team to keep your child safe. These are individuals you talk to about child sexual abuse, body safety rules, and everything we’ve talked about in this article. Children should know that their trusted adult will, 1) never ask them to keep secrets, 2) honor and respect body safety rules, and 3) always believe them.
It’s important to know that people who sexually abuse children are likely to run in a different direction if they see that the parent is involved, and the child is educated. In the words of an abuser, “If I drive up to a bank and see cop cars, I’m going to move on. I’ll go down the street and rob a different bank.”
Teach Kids Protective Strategies
I want to be very clear: keeping children safe from sexual abuse is the responsibility of adults. However, these simple yet empowering skills can make all the difference to a child’s life. These are things I do with my own children (4, 7, 9) and even with my 18-month-old daughter.
Body Autonomy
“I am in charge of my body!” This means that we don’t force children to hug or kiss others. Even if they are close friends or family members. If they don’t want to hug Mimi or Aunty, offer alternatives such as a high five or handshake. Let your child choose what they prefer and respect their choice.
This also ties to teaching and practicing consent. Teaching children consent will help give a child the permission and confidence to say NO should someone touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.
Don’t Keep Secrets
People who sexually abuse children depend on children to keep their secrets. Abusers say things like, “This is our secret and you can’t tell anyone.” They may threaten children in a number of ways in an effort to keep them silent.
Children who haven’t been educated about secrets often don’t dare tell anyone. I encourage people to steer clear of using ‘good secrets’ because abusers are known to groom children for abuse by asking them to keep ‘good’ or happy secrets.
Surprises are different because a surprise is something that will eventually be shared: a birthday party, a special gift, etc.
Teach anatomically correct names for private parts
This may help prevent abuse from happening. In one study, researchers interviewed 91 convicted sex offenders and many reported that they were less likely to target children who knew correct anatomical names for body parts as it may increase their risk of getting caught. Also, having the correct terminology can help children disclose if abuse does occur.
Encourage Privacy
Make sure children know they can be private when using the bathroom, are dressing, or anytime personal space is needed. Don’t force them to have others in the room in these situations so children know these moments should be private (especially with people they don’t know well).
Safe Touch vs. Unsafe Touch
Teach children that a safe touch is one that makes them comfortable, warm, and loved, while an unsafe touch makes them feel uncomfortable. Avoid using “good” and “bad” touch terminology. This can cause confusion in young children because something can still be sexual abuse, even when the touch can feel good. If your child associates certain touches with being “bad,” they may be afraid to tell someone for fear of getting in trouble.
Talk About It
To prevent abuse, we have to break through the stigma and shame and talk about it with children. Create family rules around safety, e.g. no keeping secrets, respecting each other’s privacy, and let them know they are in charge of their body.
These are not one-time conversations. They should be ongoing, and built into daily conversation and life. From bath time, to riding in the car, to check-ins during dinner time. When having these conversations with your child, use the same tone and attitude that you would when speaking to them about a topic such as crossing the street safely.
Most importantly, let your child know that they can tell you anything, anytime, and you will believe them, and repeat this conversation as they grow.
And remember, together we can keep kids safe.
Learn More
To find resources and to learn more about the work of the ND Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Task Force, visit www.ndstopcsa.com.
The information in this article comes from various educational and awareness sessions I teach. If you would like to schedule a session, please contact me at [email protected].
If you are concerned about possible child abuse, call the statewide toll-free Child Abuse & Neglect Reporting Line 1-833-958-3500, between 8 a.m.–5 p.m. Central Time, Monday-Friday.
About the Author
Lindsey Burkhardt has served as the Director of the North Dakota Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Task Force since January 2022. Lindsey’s professional career has included being a Head Start teacher and Project Director, a Family Strengthening Specialist for newly resettled refugee families, and within the juvenile justice system. Lindsey has extensive training in child sexual abuse prevention and is a licensed facilitator of several training topics including Nurturing Healthy Sexual Development, Darkness to Light, Technicool, and Project Selfie.
Lindsey received her bachelor’s degree from Minnesota State University Moorhead. She is a mom to four children, a volunteer with a local non-profit organization that is dedicated to improving the self-esteem of adolescent girls, and is an ordained minister. Lindsey uses her positive attitude and tireless energy to advocate for others.
