It was a normal weekday evening. As ‘normal’ as a weekday evening can be at home with a three-year-old and a two-week-old newborn. Pure chaos might be a better way to describe the evening time slot.
After I picked up my daughter from daycare, we sat down for dinner. In between breastfeeding my son and assisting our daughter with her various needs during mealtime (does anyone’s toddler just sit down and eat?), I handed off the baby to my husband so I could have a chance to eat.
Eventually, he fell asleep on my husband’s chest giving me some much-deserved alone time with my daughter. As we sat at the table coloring and later moving to her room to play with her fishing kit, tears streamed from my eyes.
The Transition from 1 Kid to 2: An Emotional Realization
I tried to hide them, but our daughter is very observant. Not wanting to explain exactly the emotions I was feeling, I decided on the toddler approved version.
I spoke with my daughter about my feelings, about the fact that I was so happy we had some time to play together and that my tears were ‘happy tears.’ Satisfied, she went back to her magnetized fishing rod.
While she easily moved on, I wondered how long had it been since I actually sat down with her and played like this? Talked and listened, actually listened, to her sweet little voice without the constant list of to-dos racing through my mind. Without feeling overstimulated, anxious, and needed by too many of my beloved family members?
If I’m honest about the distraction-free state of mind, it was probably before her little brother made his entrance into the world. And on that particular evening it hit me like a bus, full of emotions (and hormones!).
We Expected This
I was prepared to have less time with my daughter, especially since I planned to breastfeed our son. Prior to his birth, my husband and I talked extensively about making sure we had reserved time with our daughter and strategies we could use to ensure that.
But while you can do all the planning, the execution, especially in this new stage of our life, wasn’t as easy. And as the only source of food for my son, our daughter’s needs fell on the shoulders of my very capable and loving husband.
Even though I saw my daughter everyday, I missed her in a way I couldn’t describe. And in the same breath, I felt resentment towards my sweet, innocent newborn baby for not allowing me to feel as connected to my daughter.
Reflection & Reassurance
I explained these feelings to my husband and later to my therapist. Both met me with understanding and empathy, but most importantly reassurance.
Reassurance that these feelings were normal and they wouldn’t last forever.
That both our son and our daughter were well taken care of.
And that I was doing a good job.
Transition from 1 Kid to 2: Four Weeks Later
As I write these very words, my son is now six weeks old. And while I’m still breastfeeding and serving as his primary caretaker for that very reason, the feeling of resentment has left.
I still miss my daughter, but the feeling isn’t as strong. It’s become so much easier to spend time with her because we’ve all had time to adjust to our new dynamic as a family of four.
If you’re in the thick of a transition in your home, missing what used to be, be patient with yourself and the emotions that come along with your new situation. Allow yourself to feel, but don’t be too hard on yourself.
I promise, they won’t last forever.
